I Find Myself in a State of Constant Wonder

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Some days I feel like Alice in Wonderland,  “Either the well was very deep, or she fell very slowly, for she had plenty of time as she went down to look about her and to wonder what was going to happen next…She drank from a bottle called DRINK ME and she grew so tall, (life with Brett). She ate from a plate called TASTE ME and down she shrank so small (life as I now know it). And so she changed.” ~Lewis Carroll

White Rabbit -Janis Joplin One pill makes you larger And one pill makes you small And the ones that mother gives you Don’t do anything at all Go ask Alice When she’s ten feet tall And if you go chasing rabbits And you know you’re going to fall Tell ’em a hookah smoking caterpillar Has given you the call

Just like said story, my life has become very complex and thankfully full of vivid characters. For me perhaps more of an illustration of a metamorphosis, as Alice did not come out the same person that went in. Just like I am not the person I was once.

It’s unbelievable how time passes, (sigh) that no matter what happens or how bad it seems…the sun rises, sets and life continues to continue. How?

The rising sun when Brett was in the hospital was something I looked at in awe. It was a miserably cold and snowy winter. The cold temps broke records, there were ice storms and bitter wind chills but I didn’t feel them. From a couch that I turned into a makeshift bed, in the mornings, I would watch the sunrise while he slept and I thanked God for the sun, another day and a day of improvement, while there was improvement. I would watch the atmospheric effects of the sunlight create dogstars, beautiful golden hues with streaks of orange and red against the clouds and I watched them reflect off the glass on the buildings. As his deterioration set in and he was moved into the ICU, there were no windows except in his room.  Here I could only be for 10 minutes at a time and although these windows allowed daylight in, neither sunrises or sunsets could be seen.

This is where my darkness set in.

Brett’s condition deteriorated in a matter of days. It was shockingly fast and the outcome was tragic, there was barely time to process the trauma. It was there that I began to fall down my figurative dark whole and where I began to wonder if I would ever hit bottom, where this elusive bottom was and if I would recognize it. Of course I did but it would take an entire 11 months to do so, my deterioration was much slower than his. Mine was exasperating and I couldn’t turn to what I relied on most…my work.

I still do not know if he was misdiagnosed an entire fifteen months earlier, if I should view it as a gift or and incredibly cruel oversight that stole our lives. Either way, I can’t go back but I do wonder what if…and the outcome to what if is always the same, Brett would be alive and here with us.


4 thoughts on “I Find Myself in a State of Constant Wonder

    Abby said:
    April 2, 2015 at 4:28 pm

    You are an amazing writer! I hope that through writing, you will heal! Miss you.


    Josie said:
    April 2, 2015 at 10:24 pm



    Monnett said:
    April 3, 2015 at 6:55 pm

    You are a truly gifted writer, and I really enjoy reading your journey. I hope you are finding peace in your writing and in your new normal. Thinking of you and your family often. Wishing you all comfort & peace each day.


    Ale Zarazua said:
    April 23, 2015 at 7:25 pm

    En Alicia en el país de la maravillas de Tim Burton, el sombrerero le dice a Alicia que no era la misma de antes, que había perdido su MUCHOSIDAD…

    Podría entenderse MUCHOSIDAD como la esencia de cada uno, lo que cada uno somos en el interior: lo que quieres, lo que haces, lo que amas y en lo que crees. Y cuando la pierdes dejas de ser tú, pues ya no eres lo que eras.

    Podemos perder la MUCHOSIDAD por diversas circunstancias, se me ocurre por ejemplo en esos terribles momentos cuando creemos que la vida ya no tiene sentido, cuando el dolor es muy grande y la desesperación es mayor que la esperanza.

    Cuando el sombrerero le dice a Alicia que perdió su MUCHOSIDAD, es en el momento en el que ella dejo de creer en el mundo de maravillas, para ella ya no era real, a pesar de haber estado antes allí. Y ahora ya ni se creía capaz de hacer lo que debía hacer para salvarlo.

    Creo entonces que la MUCHOSIDAD no se pierde, solo que en ocasiones tiene miedo y por eso se oculta, se esconde… así es como protegemos nuestros sentimientos y evitamos que nos tachen de inmaduros, infantiles, cobardes, ilusos e incluso de locos…

    Con el tiempo he aprendido que no se puede vivir haciendo feliz a otros. Se deben tomar las decisiones y hay que enfrentarnos a nuestros monstruos es decir a nuestros problemas y miedos mas profundos y eso lo tenemos que hacer inevitablemente solos.

    Así que, sigamos recuperando nuestra MUCHOSIDAD


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